A Proposal to Catch a Cruise Missile
with My Teeth

SO MANY PEOPLE WANT to catch a bullet with their teeth. Well, it’s been done.
  I propose to catch a cruise missile with my teeth.
  You can fire it from the middle of Kansas—wherever they shoot them from—and I’ll stand on the Golden Gate Bridge, waiting for it to arrive.
Sheeugh! it comes, blasting through the air, a right turn, left turn, taking the top off of a hedge, knocking the lighter from a hand. Left turn, right turn, flitting the eyelash of a waitress—me standing there, at ease, mouth open, hands out to the side.
  Schoomp! I catch the missile lightly with my front and bottom teeth, like a rose, like a gladiator a fly, a bullet caught by a guest on the Mike Douglas show.
  “Ahhhh!” everyone cries out, missing that one bit: unlike a bullet, cruise missiles are rigged to explode and, of course, I’m blown to smithereens.
  I rethink the project. Okay, let’s rig a B-B like a cruise missile and fire it from wherevers and I’ll catch that with my teeth. Or I could don my SCUBA gear and catch a submarine with my teeth. Now that’s a pitch—a complete world class, undersea vessel, in my teeth, flippers pumping . . . They never did that on the Mike Douglas show.

— John Graham,
San Francisco, 2006